Okay, took out the passages from the history section that came from the book, and tightened it up as best I could. Since you didn't mention the other sections other than history and the network sample, I didn't touch the other sections.
Since she does tend to speak in brief flashes unless prompted, I'm going to write a second network sample; because she is hard to write monologuing unless there is some extreme case, like when she had to explain about Steffi and Jade to the Hawklord. Otherwise she's usually more content to swear and react, than she is inclined towards speeches. It may be Michelle Sagara's writing style, much of the dialogue is short speak and react bursts, not just from Kaylin. Since Kaylin is the character we ride along with in the series, I tend to give her more thought posts and set up, and less dialogue in starters, and the second sample reflects that.
no subject
Since she does tend to speak in brief flashes unless prompted, I'm going to write a second network sample; because she is hard to write monologuing unless there is some extreme case, like when she had to explain about Steffi and Jade to the Hawklord. Otherwise she's usually more content to swear and react, than she is inclined towards speeches. It may be Michelle Sagara's writing style, much of the dialogue is short speak and react bursts, not just from Kaylin. Since Kaylin is the character we ride along with in the series, I tend to give her more thought posts and set up, and less dialogue in starters, and the second sample reflects that.
Also cleaned up the last sample a bit.
This is where I would make a joke about Kaylin and paperwork, but don't want to tick off Marcus.